I apologize for the grand space in dates and posts. I am struggling in energy and motivation. I find myself alone and lonely tonight. It has been a whirlwind event, working a bunch of days together, to be able to take a vacation with minimal days off, to be able to recover when I get home. Vacation was bittersweet. Second to my husband, nothing brings me more joy than my children, and they are still, my "Magnum Opus". I was overwhelmed at times during vacation, and coming back, as the emotions of the generosity of them hit me, I was humbled, grateful, and exhausted.
In getting ready for vacation, I had to be ready for Christmas a week early. The money rolled in slowly, and had to go right into my jeep to get it ready to make the trip to New Mexico. As the time drew closer, I finding myself down, because for the first time in my adult life, I had nothing, NOTHING to give for Christmas. I had managed to save enough to make calendars for the kids, and the project kept me busy. Their new step-mom, on her Christmas list, had asked for a calendar of pics for the kids from their childhood. I have all the kids photos and thought it would be a fun project, and the kids would enjoy. I counted that we needed 10 calendars, to include both grandparents, me, and the ex, and of course each of the kids.
When I got married to the kids dad, and we moved, for a while, to Shreveport, he let me take a photography class. I was hooked for life, and our kids, were my favorite subject. I have ridiculous amounts of pictures of them. Which means I had to dig through and pick favorites. Jessica gave me an idea of how to organize it. I spent hours and hours, laughing, crying, reminiscing, Finally it was done and I sent the order off, having it delivered to my son's house, where we would gather for Christmas with mom on the 23rd of December. I will come back to this on Christmas day post.
Isaac, the youngest of my kids, and 15 years old, and I took off for vacation, after working a 12 hour shift. Isaac took the wheel and I could chill. As we get close to my son's, a stopping point to get ready to go on to New Mexico, I sent him text that we were close. He replied with a confused text back. I, apparently, had showed up a day early. It was great, I got to relax a day, do the cooking I had still wanted to get done, and got to spend a day with Luke and his darling girl Jackie. Everyone comes in that night, the excitement is building. It was wonderful just to have them all around. We divided into two cars and hit the road. Wesley and I were able to have moments alone to talk on the phone, it is always embarrassing for him when I am with the kids, he feels awkward and embarrassed and cuts the conversation short.
My feelings were strange, having my kids pay for everything. I kept praying that God would keep me from feeling anxious and awkward, to just enjoy the break, allow them to take care of me, to learn something.
We finally get to Red River, New Mexico about 8pm. The boys jump out and start throwing snow around. The two youngest had never seen so much snow. The rest of us were tired and ready for sleep.
When you are married to someone in jail, there is a guilt, and something else, not sure yet, but, you are locked up too. There is this empty hole that exist constantly, a part of you missing. Its not guilt, its just hard to enjoy life, with half of yourself missing. Its like, you can't fully enjoy, or even understand, because part of your senses is missing. The next day, everyone is up early to get going. Me and the two youngest, all new to snow, get put into lessons. They snowboard, me ski. And while I could look around and enjoy the beauty and awe in the atmosphere, my soul was detached. I threw myself into learning the skills, a nice distraction, especially since, at 47, I didn't bounce back from falls in quite the same way. At the end of the lesson, I was exhausted. Not just from the physical exertion, but emotionally, I was overwhelmed from holding all I was feeling inside.
Day two, we slept in awhile and then played until the lodge/ski lift closed. I worked back and forth from the bunny hill, to the next step up, which seemed way more difficult. By the end of the day, I felt I could sort of turn and control my ski's enough to not run over anyone. We get back to the cabin, I start dinner, waiting for the more experienced folks to get back from another mountain. Time alone, I tried to figure out my feelings. Wesley would call at the end of the day, we would talk for a bit, but he would cut it short, knowing I was with the kids. I kept all the emotions inside. I was missing my time with my husband, I knew he was ...well, he even stopped me on the first day. He couldn't stand the conversation anymore, me on a ski vacation, with the kids, and it was Christmas week. He was miserable. I also wouldn't be visiting him that week, I had never, missed a visitation. There was guilt, but more, I was just missing sharing the joy with my best friend. Several of the kids were playing a video game, distracting and giving some laughs. We were all exhausted and fell to sleep quickly. My mind at night, wondering what Wesley was thinking about.
Day three, the kids all went together to the mountain, I finally able to control myself, a little, down the hill, crashing every few feet. I worked on my stops more, learned to get up without taking off my ski's. By the end of the day, the kids wanted to take me 1/2 up the mountain and go down together. I felt I could stop myself enough to try. Holy crap... It was a fantastic challenge. I fell hard, got up, fell again. Phil gave me tips along the way, and they all followed behind and around me. I would at times rest a few minutes. They would show me the cushioned spots of snow to fall into. I cry as I write this...
I was not alone. I had worked on the skills to survive the challenge. Met with curves, and rocks, and crazy cliffs. Fell onto hard snow. If I wanted a hand they lent it, they picked up my sticks...my darling daughter-in-law, Kiersten, passed me my sticks, patiently, gracefully, lovingly. I stubbornly got up. They would do tricks, play along the way, as I rested, distracting me. I never felt cold, warmth and love abounded. We laughed. They cheered me on...I get to the last steep small hill. Kiersten sees I am exhausted, gives me some advice how to just take it slow and go sideways, a step at a time. And at last, we are back to the last hill I had been practicing on the last two days. Kiersten tells me to go first and let the ducklings follow behind, the video is priceless. The last kid, quack, quacking on the way down. My son's girlfriend, Jackie is at the bottom with her camera to take pictures. I feel happy. I survived.
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