A new attorney. by Lesa

It has been awhile since a post. I have a couple from Wesley.  I have been struggling with depression, overwhelming feelings, and frankly, now that my kids, at my invitation, are reading this, I have been hesitant to write and let them know the daily rollercoaster of my life.  My daughter Jessica is getting married in Vegas in 9 days.  I have struggled with the finances, struggled with the housework, work has been kicking my ass, and my back, has been having very scary shooting pains, making me jump, fearing the old horrible pain. I am blessed, the kids have taken most of the financial burden of the trip off of me, and I was in a panic over so many things, overwhelmed that I could not contribute.  I wanted to make her veil, didn't make the cut, by my own judgment.  She is moving to Maryland, correction, she has moved to Maryland. It stirs a lot of emotions too.  I am happy, so very, very happy for her.  She has struggled with life, and has worked hard to get on track and I am so very proud of her journey to adulthood. 

The day I told Wesley about the wedding, he suggested, strongly, that I move on without him.  He told me I should divorce him, he was worthless, and I deserved better.  He refused to look me in the eye.  It was a hard visitation.  He calmed down, but their has been an edge to him. He is scared that I will meet someone in Vegas. His words, "sometimes what happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas."  It is the insecurity a man incarcerated, throw in a Vegas vacation, my first time, and he is worried.  I have reassured him.  He has talked me through difficult moments, helped me figure out wardrobe malfunctions.  He has tried not to focus on it, and that has been helpful. 

We have many things going on.  We hired a new attorney. Attorney #2, and a friend, seemed to have a lot going on, and after Wesley setting a deadline of some sort of progression toward even having an attorney on record, we send her a note thanking her and hired one we had interviewed this summer. After 1 week, he was granted the substitution, without a hearing, and has started pleading deals.  And while we both are extremely anxious about what may happen, we are extremely pleased that talks have started and are ready to move on.

I am ready for my life to calm down, I am ready for Wesley to be on to whatever Harris County and Wesley can agree to for punishment, the light at the end of the tunnel is a game changer in the life of an inmate, and their loved ones waiting for them on the outside.  No one understands how our life is on hold, how it is limited by money for the phones, visitation rules, distance.  It is part of the punishment, I get it, but being in jail for six months without any word or change of situation is maddening, and not really all that unusual.  I am praying for things to move quickly now that negotiations have started, you can be praying too. 

How inmates handle the holidays. by Wesley

12/21/2014

My new neighbor will not stop singing Foreigner.  He's 31, so he didn't grow up with them, but he walks around repeatedly singing, "Urgent" and "Jukebox Hero", and others.  Not only does he constantly sing the songs, but he will also attempt to engage you in conversation extolling the virtues of that middling band.

He's driving me crazy.

There has been a shake up in here. A "shake up" is when the guards come into an inmates area and searches through all his stuff, tearing the place apart.  Sometimes these are random, sometimes it is specific. Sometimes it is one person, sometimes it is the whole cell area.   Sarge, the closest person to a friend in here to me, was abruptly taken away and accused of extorting soups from people.  Yes, I'm serious.  It's a serious jail offense.  it was not true, but he'd gotten into a confrontation with a guy and the charge was the retaliation.  In one day, 6 people were taken out and replaced with young kids from "24".  "24" is where people go when they get into trouble.  So, that's awesome.

The malaise if pervasive.  Christmas is approaching and none of us have gotten our shopping done yet!  Damn, it's depressing.  We all have our way of dealing with the creeping despair.

There are the sleepers.  These men have the amazing ability to sleep through anything.  There is a guy in here who has not gotten up for over a month and a half.  I really have no evidence that he is still living.  He might have died weeks ago, chances are, he would smell the same.  I wish I could sleep that way.  I wouldn't get up until they called my name to release me.  I would shave months of growth off my face, layers of funk would scrub off in the shower, and I would find my wife married to someone else.  But time would have passed quickly.

Then, there are the gamblers.  They pass the time by gambling soups on everything.  They bet soups on poker, of course.  I add that, just so that I can add that while they bet on hands.  They will begin arguing over who has the better hand, and bet soups on that.  I always ask, "Isn't that what the betting is for, who has the better hand?"  But it isn't just poker.  They gamble on spades, football, basketball, what meal is coming, who is facing more time, who farted, dominoes, who a particular actress is, (always actresses, never actors), and anything else where there might be two sides to one story.

There are the guys who workout.  I'm certainly no Adonis, but I can't understand how people can workout constantly and still have big bellies.

There are guys who spend all their time on the phone, guys who eat constantly, guys who draw, and guys who read.  I'm a reader.  My nose is buried in a book every waking moment.  I will not engage in any activity that will allow my mind to wander.  I used to go to "rec", (they let us into a 40' x 50', semi-enclosed space, twice a week), I would read and walk laps.  I stopped going when they prohibited us from bringing books and walking laps, it lets your mind rest.  Must not do that! No free time for the brain, that's dangerous.  I go through a lot of books.  I have been promised the Houston Chronicle, which has the added benefit of sudoku and crossword puzzles, hasn't happened yet.

What we all have in common is a yearning to forget where we are, what day it is, what our families are doing and how much longer we must sit.  I wish there was a magic potion I could buy on commissary, that would free me from thinking about these questions or the answers; especially the answers.  I wish I could just not be me for today.

Christmas. by Lesa

12/23/2014

It was Christmas day with the kids.  Jessica, who was unable to go on the ski vacation, flew into Austin, and was picked up by Jackie's parents, that is Luke's girlfriend's parents.  We had woke up in Carlsbad, NM at 7:30 am., had breakfast at the hotel.  The itinerary was to go to Carlsbad caverns. I had been before, and I remember them being awesome. Wesley said he remembered me being bored half way through. 

When we got there, the snow was coming down pretty hard.  It was beautiful.  The view was beautiful.  I sat for a moment, prayed a prayer for hubby, alone for the holidays. Isaac was wanting to stay in the jeep, I told him it was family time.  We got in, Phil handed out audio tour guides and we started for the elevators.  You miss a wonderful part of the tour by doing this, but it was too cold to walk down the opening, and we were on a time crunch to make it home that evening for family Christmas.  The tour was better than I remembered, the audio added so much.  I suggest anyone doing the tour to pay at least for one to share.  We were done in a couple of hours and we hit the road around 10:30 am.  We had 8-9 hours to go.  

The ride home was quiet. Luke and Jackie slept in the back, yay, for a jeep that the seats lays down and has a dvd player. Isaac and I were in the front.  We stopped for gas and lunch, Luke paying for everything, I, still was uncomfortable and having difficulty with this, but I had no choice.  I prayed for my husband, mom, and others on the ride home.  Isaac and I listened to music to make the miles pass by.  

We finally get there around 7:30, Jackie's parents, and Jessica were there starting dinner. We unloaded and put the final touches on a fajita dinner, it was so delicious.  Kids were all around, playing games, talking, sharing pics and stories with Jackie's parents.  Adam had to leave at midnight for work the next morning in San Antonio, so we did a small gift exchange between the kids and I.  I gave them their calandars and they had a surprise one for me too!  We looked at them together, month by month.  Lots of laughs.  My calendar was filled with current pics, customized by the month, some with help from Kiersten, Phil's wife, and Photoshop.  The pics were awesome, and now I have two great calendars of pics of the kids.  

The kids opted to wait till the next day to have their Christmas from each other, waiting closer to Christmas, most of everyone's Christmas was the ski trip itself, so most everyone expected a much scaled down Christmas, and everyone was gracious with the thoughtful gifts that were given.  My gifts were the beautiful calendar from Kiersten, Phil got me Bath and Bodyworks candles, there is a story behind them making them special, Jessica got me some earrings and a lotion, body spray, shower gel set.   Luke and Jackie got me....I just realized I left my present, a beautiful arrangement of succulents, put into a cut down wine bottle, it was so pretty and cool. Sorry, I hope it is waiting for me in Austin!  Sarah got me a pillow, I always need pillows, and it was on my list for Santa, and ancestry software, a new hobby.  Adam and Isaac, the broke younger kids were happy to get a few treasures too.

I was exhausted, headed to bed around midnight, some of the young men stayed up to play a board game, Catan, for awhile.  I was not even starting to deal with the emotions of this week.  I had shoved everything inside to deal with later.  

As a nurse, I am very good at my job.  One of the things I am good at, is compartmentalizing my emotions, to deal with tasks and jobs that have priority. I did this a lot as a mom too, raising 6 kids was very busy.  So, I was able to enjoy the time and not be overly emotional.  

The next morning we were up, Phil and Kiersten were making breakfast and it was time for me to pack and get out, their dad would be there soon with his lovely wife.  We have maintained a good relationship, although we will never be close, or friends, we have the most amazing kids.  I had gotten paid, I was glad because then I could at least help with the cost of gas.  Phil was handling the vacation finances and the splitting of expenses, I approached him, and he and Sarah both shook their heads no.  "No ma'am.  Merry Christmas momma."  All I could say was thank you, fight back the tears, and hug them. I hit the road, ran up the road to the store to exchange socks, I had also gotten the kids each socks, a "stocking stuffer", but Nick likes something different, and I was so grateful for their thoughtfulness, wanted to do it while I was there. I had not done any Christmas shopping, the stores were quiet, it was early.

I had gotten about $300 more than I had thought, I had decided to go ahead and pick up a couple things for my step-daughter, who I adore, and sister's and mom.  I wind up spending more than I should and taking it all back, except for my step-daughter's stuff.  My mom and sister's were not exchanging presents, were were all limited on funds, and scaled down to a small thing. I opted to given them coffee!  

Wesley called, he was helping me to process everything. Most of it I was pushing inside, he and I really didn't get to talk too often, he cut it shorter, and usually we will have a minute here and there throughout the day to talk.  I was missing our time together, feeling incredibly emotional, and not really able to talk about everything.  I was finally on the way home to Houston, and we finally go to talk privately for the first time in a week.  I had never been so limited on my time with him, both by the situation, and he not wanting to be invasive on a vacation break for me.  Instead of a rest, it was a physical and emotional challenge.  I was scheduled to work Christmas day, I was glad.  Family was gone and out of town.  I had not bought any food, was exhausted from the trip and my dogs were so glad to have me home.  Wesley and I got back into our schedule of talking regularly throughout the day, and I began to process the whole event.  

Christmas day, work called, census dropped and they did not need me.  I had taken the next two days off, had enough PTO time for that, but not for the unexpected holiday alone.  I tried to keep positive, I had just had a week with the kids, but to have no Christmas dinner, felt emotional, why?  It was so weird.  I found some old frozen rotisserie chicken, had stove top dressing from before vacation, smelled okay, instant potatoes, and a can of cranberry jelly.  Better than nothing.  I ate the food, went back to bed, disappointed.  I could have called the in-laws and probably hung with them, but it is kind of a day that everyone gets to have, just with their family, quiet, food, and Christmas spirit. I didn't feel right invading.  I was not overly depressed, but it was disappointing.  

I hope to have my husband home next Christmas.  We still, after 4 1/2 months, have no idea of any timeline.  I hope Wesley's new attorney can hit the road running in the new year.  I am tired of being alone, tired of quiet evenings with the dogs, sitting in this chair, trying to keep positive for a future I have no idea of how it will be.  And while I have managed to make it through the Christmas season without crashing, and I had lots of distractions to keep it positive, it still sucked not having my best friend here to share it with me.   I'm tired of pretending it is okay, I am tired of being patient while his attorney has done nothing, at all.   That we are waiting for anything, any word, any update, and life for everyone else goes on.  For months, Wesley listened for the heels of his probation officer walking down the hall to get him, months.  He was afraid to go to shower, or nap, afraid he would miss her.  He finally gave up and would just go to bed, read, eat, go to the AA meetings once a week.  He gave up on hope, gave up on getting out, and I was left to encourage him, without any change to share. It was a bad week.  

But, as bad as it was, the year was coming to a close, and with that, hope for the New Year.  Not hope for him, mind you, I am the one with the hope.  I have to cling to the hope.  Because, Wesley is not a Christian, he doesn't have hope in a God who loves us unconditionally, who cares about our suffering, I do.  So, I continue to pray, continue to encourage, and keep looking forward. It can't get any worse, right?