I have mentioned before my interest in how incarcerated people turn to God. "No Atheists in foxholes" extended to jail. I have always had an interest in religion(s). As a child that manifested itself in a lifestyle that revolved around the church and its activities. All my friends were members of my church and I went so far as to make missionary trips.
Now, my interest is more of an academic pursuit. I won't address why I don't believe. I don't think that should be the starting point of a debate. If you believe in the God of the Jews, Christians, and Muslims, and the zingers you support your argument with are biblical/Koranic quotes, then we have nothing to talk about. That is not an argument. It is a circular logic and means nothing. I could choose any book, tell you that it is true and, when asked, tell you , it is true because the book says that it is true.
There is another aspect of belief that doesn't attempt to rely on rationalizing the irrational: It is simply having faith.
My loving wife has faith. She won't engage in debates about the history, science, zoology, astronomy, archaeology, geology, etc., because she doesn't need evidence to support her faith. That's a good thing too, because there isn't any.
What she does have transcends any of that. She has a quiet faith that gives her strength. Her faith soothes her, it lifts her spirits and calms her. it is her Polaris when she is lost, every present, guiding her when she is lost; a constant. In my mind, attempting to rationalize faith and argue the evidence of any religion accomplishes two things: first, it makes the proponent of rationalization look like a buffoon; More importantly, rationalization casts doubt on a person's faith, there is no need to demonstrate the rationale supporting. There ought not be a need for rationale at all. Lesa would listen to my arguments, shake her head and say something along the lines of "I don't know enough about that to argue, I just know I have faith."
I respect that.
All of that said, I found myself this morning with my hands clasped together on the verge of prayer, and tears when I was feeling particularly helpless. It was a visceral response, I had no epiphany. It's no surprise that a product of western civilization, as I am, would think of praying. When I feel sad, impatient, and powerless.
There will be no prayer for me. I have no faith and I'm okay with that. I actually envy those who can close their eyes and find strength from their faith. The quiet strength and peace in the face of all we have to fear is a gift.
Disclaimer: saying "faith" is a "gift" is an intentional use of irony. Please do not attempt to use my rhetorical device against me!
~note by Lesa.
I never write during my husbands blog entries, but this one begged for it. God has poured love into me, loved me, protected me from evil, sent beautiful people in my life to pray for me, help me, support me, my life is full and forever changed by God and his people who have loved me. My husband who has had to run from emotions, and love, his whole life to protect his broken heart, desperately needs to feel God's love and protection. I could never argue with his intellect. I can only share my humble experiences. I don't remember ever feeling God not being there. As a little girl, I remember sitting in church, working hard to not be distracted, to sing to God, to talk to him. I remember, crying, at the tender age of 8, about to be raped by a neighbor, crying quietly alone in my bed, to be saved....moving, that next day, suddenly, out of state. I could go on and on with stories of love that God has shown me. I want my husband to know that love. To not use his intellect as an excuse, or his pride, to accept the love he was always meant to have, and deserves. I think, he still thinks he doesn't deserve it, or perhaps is afraid of accepting love from a Father God who will never fail him, as his own father did. Please pray for Wesley, that God would reach him, in a way that only God can, or by using the many loving people who love him and know the Lord. I thank you.
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