As I scramble to get caught up on my husbands blog entries I thought I would take a moment to share a tiny bit of the insanity of our lives. The last month has been quite stressful and I have been on overload. I apologize for not writing and sharing and keeping up with my side of this blog.
In order to make my bills and pay for phone and commissary and such, I usually work my usual 3 days with 1 extra day every other week. My sweet mother-in-law, and sister-in-law who lives with her, needed to move from her home to an apartment. I assisted some with packing, but getting ready to move it was apparent they did not have sufficient help. I took a day off and called off for my extra day. They also had tons of stuff they couldn't take with them and was going to hire an estate person to sell for them, at the charge of 35%, but they back out. So my daughter and I stepped in, and for two weeks, every day off was spent there getting everything organized, priced, advertising, etc...it went very well, but after three weeks, I was exhausted, broke, emotionally drained missing my husband, it was getting close to Thanksgiving, and I wanted to do anything to avoid it. It is my husbands favorite holiday. A day of nothing but love, food, fellowship...beautiful. I was so tired, and depressed and overwhelmed after neglecting my own home for 3 weeks. My beautiful daughter Jessica, after her own full work week, came over and helped clean, brightened the world with her smile, energy and beautiful spirit. She also told me she is moving to Maryland with her boyfriend, soon to be engaged. My heart is torn. I am happy to see this kid grown, healthy, happy, in love...and heart broken she will be so far. It is completely selfish. I thought I had ground it into my children's heads that they were not to move out of state, since they were children...but I guess it was bound to happen, that at least one of them would move away. It seems that my emotional state around the holidays makes it worse. And since I know my children read this, I want to say, I am truly, supportive in my daughter moving, it is what makes her happy. She is ready to be away from Houston and its bad memories, past mistakes, I totally get that. I am happy that she has found someone to love and to love her, but I would be lying to say I am not a little sad too. Perhaps that just comes with children growing up.
Also around this time, my husbands attorney, good friend, and boss died. I can't even begin to explain the week of emotional turmoil. For someone in jail, who's lifeline to freedom, dies, it devastating. Never mind that it was his friend and mentor, the one person who would tell him he was awesome and would practice law again some day. To look in his eyes, through the visitors glass and tell him that his friend had died....we didn't talk for 10 minutes, I was a mess before I got there, much less telling him that I loved him and it would be okay, he could just hold it together, wipe an escaped tear or two, it sucked not being able to just hold his hand, our hands touch on either side of the glass, with our hands in the sign of I love you in sign language....both of our heart hurting and neither able to just hold and console the other...it just sucked. I went to work, and Isaac and I ate a lot of take out that week. Good thing my son is easy going. He is happy to just sit together, eating our burgers and watching Family Guy, just happy to have me there with him in the evening.
I am still very emotional. Incredibly emotional patients who have touched my heart, all suffering and struggling, and I could just hold their hands and cry with them and tell them I was there. I love my job, I love this part of my job, but it has been draining.
Tonight, as I am trying to attempt to get caught up on all the entries my husband has been sending me and I am rereading them and feeling the struggle of the last few weeks, several things are apparent. One, I am so loved and cared for by my family, especially my kids, and my husband, as he saw me struggling, put his own grief aside, called often to encourage me, wrote loving thoughtful letters everyday, even though I was unable to write much during those three weeks, my beautiful children filled in the gap, THANK YOU kids!! They wrote my husband, sent him books, called to check on me, I have been so loved...so preciously loved, I can't explain the surprise of getting flowers, just because, on a rotten week, a Christmas CD, there are so many thoughtful things. Two, I love my job, most days, I always trust that God puts me where I am supposed to be, to minister to those who he needs me to love. Three, so many people in this world, in MY world are suffering, and the simplest acts mean so much. It doesn't take someone overly sensitive or sympathetic to see the needy of the world, change someone's life, in a small, or a big way. It helps, when you feel overwhelmed and sad, to instead of focusing on that, to give of oneself, you are blessed. God is good.
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