The blog has suffered of late. Both Lesa and I have suffered through a series of events that threatened to overwhelm us. Personal, financial and other set backs that came over us like waves. One after another and each stronger than the last.
My lawyer died.
I'm in jail and I have entrusted my well being to a man, and he died. This is a scary scenario, believe me.
But Brad was so much more than my lawyer. He was my employer. I worked with him for a couple of years and we were just starting to understand what our mutually beneficial relationship would look like.
But he was my friend and much more. He calmed me. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay when I was overcome by fear. He was a huge bear of a man: 6'10 400 pounds, with a deep voice that washed over your panic and soothed you.
Every time I beat myself up, he would assure me that I would eventually get my license back, that he would not give up on me.
After my efforts resulted in a big win for him and his client, he called me brilliant and it lifted my spirits because I knew him to be one of the smartest lawyers I have ever known. And despite all of this, despite the fact that I loved him like a brother, I knew he was flawed.
He had long since stopped preparing the way he should. He'd lost some confidence, and losing when he'd not fully prepared was easier on the ego than losing when fully prepared.
He drank way too much, smoked too much and was deeply depressed.
And I was planning on firing him. While he was falling to the floor, paralyzed by the stroke that ended his life, I was leaving a message, begging him to call me, asking about his health, and giving instructions. When I hung up, I made snide comment about whether I would still have a job when this was over if I fired my boss.
He was always there for me, and while he was dying, I was jumping ship.
I am such a dick.
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