My neighbor in here is afraid. A lifetime of mistakes has put him in a very bad position and he may never leave prison again. he is 43, and he considers his life over.
Every night, he tells me, he finds himself awash in a dream that repeats itself. He sits alone in a chair with only a lamp fighting off total darkness. The burden of his fear crippling him, he is unable to move. He says that his daughter appears from the darkness and crawls into his lap. She snuggles his chest and whispers, "everything is going to be okay, daddy."
His daughter is dead. He wakes up trembling nearly every morning. Whether the trembling is a result of fear or relief, who can say?
With the exception of the visits he receives from his dead daughter, he is alone in this world. He once had a wife, two daughters, a mother, a father....you know, a family.
His daughters are both dead, their passing a burden his marriage could not carry. His mother indeed too. His father somewhere in Massachusetts and his brother, in the prison system.
He has never heard the call of his name for a visit. Never felt the moment of joy. He has never waited in line to use the phone. There is no one to call. No one will put money on his books so he can buy a soup, or deodorant, or a chocolate treat, but, once in a while, every other week or so, he gets mail.
He reads it and he reads it, and he gets so animated and excited as anyone can be when someone reaches out to let them know that they are not alone. The letters come from about 100 yards away, but they may as well come from the dark side of the moon. The writer is another isolated soul, a woman who also is alone, who somehow got connected with him.
The information gets passed about. People say, "write to me" in passing to members of the opposite sex, or someone with the person's information passes it to you so lonely people can connect.
Who else will understand how it feels to be completely alone, in your mid 40's, facing the prospect of a long time in prison- maybe even the rest of your life? No one, but someone in the very same situation.
It is so easy to lose hope behind these walls. To forget the value of your existence. To feel insignificant. I feel that way often, and I have a supportive family and a particularly amazing wife.
There was a time I would have looked down my nose at contrived relationships like these. I would have smiled and smirked at them. Pathetic!
But I see things differently now. The greatest love can come from the unlikeliest places. No one can judge the genesis of love, of commitment. And why would it matter anyway? If two people can find love and solace (for you Lesa, inside joke), in the words of a stranger, then I salute them.
To find comfort in our often brutal world is a gift enough-- no matter where you find that gift.
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