I have just read a heart breaking letter. I wrote the other day about my motorcycle ride, and about the fight afterwards. Wesley wrote what was going on for him. He already feels like a piece of shit, being in jail, leaving me alone with all the responsibilities. He already feels, sometimes, that I was not happy with him before all of this came to pass. In fact, I was worn out from working nights. Also worn out from fighting to get caught up on bills. He took that to mean I was unhappy with our life together. I mistakenly stated that I was bending over backwards to take care of everything, and what I meant to say was that my plate was full, I was occasionally overwhelmed with all the responsibilities. Even in our discussions afterwards, he stated it was like we were having two different conversations. He was trying to describe and explain his feelings, even though some were not true, it was what he felt was true. I felt accused like I had done something wrong by getting a break, and was overwhelmed with stuff. It took us two days to process, and even then it took me getting his letter today. He has been depressed every since. I can not help but feel I am at fault.
He does not need me to tell him that I am overwhelmed. As hard as it is for me here on the outside, his pain, his sorrow is more important, it takes priority. I do need to buck it up, or at the very least, get better at hiding it. Being tired and having a bad day are part of life. But being overwhelmed, going for a ride, whatever to him may look like or seem like me getting sick of this life of waiting for him, needs to go.
When a person gets depressed they get selfish. It isn't intentional, it is trying to survive in whatever circumstance they are in. I know this, I have been there. My life is tough at times, but not compared to him. And I am his life line. I have to hold myself together, hold our life together, I have to be strong, be ever faithful to build him up. He has done it for me many times. A couple years back I went through 3 back surgeries in less than six months. He physically, mentally, and emotionally took care of me. Relationships has that at times. Many times we just do what we need to do to get through. But other times, like this, it needs to be purposeful. I am incredibly strong, I am a survivor. So, is my husband. The unspeakable horror of some of his childhood abuse from his dad has made him incredibly resilient. But everyone has a breaking point. His despair right now overwhelms him. He is losing hope, even though he has lots of reasons to have hope. I am praying for him. If you are a Christian, please pray for him too. I love and adore this man. He is my anchor in life. Even as a Christian, I have always needed a lifeline on earth. God has been merciful and kind and always gave me someone in my life. As I reread this, I realize, actually, there have been plenty of times I have been alone and cried out to God to help me and he answered. I will pray and fast on that tonight. I am not a fanatical Christian, my deep faith is personal, I am not big into organized religion. There is a lot of preaching and not as much loving and taking care of people. I'm about the people. I don't know how I ended up in a theology discussion with myself. Perhaps I will discuss it another day.
For now, I will be strong, tell my husband how wonderful he is, because he really is awesome. Remind him of all the hopeful things that have happened so far, that his attorney is going to gently prod someone along to get the paperwork going to he can move to Harris County to begin the process of dealing with all of that. My husband said some key things today I would like to share. One, his great humiliation of being in jail creates a difficult situation for us both. We like to talk every night. 15 minutes is our lifeline. Occasionally we get 30 minutes as a treat. But, if I want to do anything, last minute, and I have to excuse myself to accept a call from jail, he is horrified, ashamed, and that is doubly around my kids. He already feels like a loser, and my grown kids, especially twin sons, are just getting to know him, but to have their mom leave a room to take a call from "loser husband in jail" is more than Wesley can handle. So, keep in mind, this situation. It at times is going to create a problem, like when I go visit my boys in Austin, or San Antonio and have to leave to take a call. He knows where I am, he knows what I say when I leave the room. I get it. I can't explain to my children that those 15 minutes are a lifeline for us both. It keeps us connected, grounded in reality, and lets us know the little things, like how our day went. Especially once Wesley is in SAFPF, they are in group and therapies so much, there is always much to share. My kids are not judgmental, but I am their mom. I am not sure what they think, I guess I have always been afraid to ask. Maybe later. ha.
In his letter he describes one of his weaknesses:
"Of course, things were getting better, and I have been feeling better about myself. But I know, and so do you, that I have a self destructive pride that flares up. when you tell me you 'bend over backwards', for me, I immediately will tell you, 'don't bother'. We both know how I will react to that. It will be a visceral quick reaction, lacking any emotion. I realize that is a contradiction, but I think the two responses are like 2 sides of a flipping coin that show you both sides as it travels through the air. so when you say that, a response comes from deep inside of me in a place of raw emotion, but it comes through a filter of sounding like 'I don't give a fuck'. "
That filter is what helped him survive the abuses of his dad. He was not allowed to show emotion, that was weak. It was literally beat out of him. If he cried, he was beat till he stopped. It helps to understand that, and to be a little patient when we are both feeling emotions for totally different reasons. Neither one of us were able to hear the other, we both felt under attack, and from different places. It was the first time I heard Wesley speak of his pride in that way, the flipping coin. It was helpful to get the visual, for future reference when we get into an emotional fight that I am not even sure what it is about.
Not sure if this helps anyone, but its out there for the world to see. I'm keeping positive. Going to have a long bath to pray, then some mindless TV to go to sleep.
Mom,
ReplyDeleteYou really think we have anything but love for you and Wesley? People screw up. We've all screwed up. Funny story, Wes will get a kick out of this too, I'll have to write him about it:
Yesterday in my evidence class, my 65+ year old professor was teaching us about impeaching a witness, discrediting them so the jury has less reason to believe what they say. One of the things you are allowed to bring up (well not in Texas, but other places) is a witness's past crimes. If the crime has anything to do with dishonesty, its automatically in. You can also ask the judge to allow in evidence of a person's past felonies. My professor emphasized how strongly against this he was. Now, I don't believe he's ever been a criminal defense attorney, or done anything other than civil work, but what he said REALLY hit home: Anyone, at the wrong place, at the wrong time, making a small mistake, could be convicted of a felony. And that felony will ruin their lives. Not only will it destroy their record so they can't find a place to live, but it will prevent them from getting a good job. And the court wants to allow attorneys to rub their noses in it to show that this person's mistake makes them less credible. Makes the jury doubt every word that comes out of their mouth. You could be testifying for a friend that was wrongly accused of a crime, but because YOUR past is tarnished, the court will make your friend suffer.
It's a pretty shitty system sometimes, Wes knows this better than anyone.
Mom, we love you guys. We love how happy you make each other. You are a different person around Wes, and I love seeing you together. We want nothing more for you to be happy. That 15 minute lifeline is well worth a 15 minute period where you step out of the room. Anything to make things easier for you (even though sometimes it might make it harder). We're rooting for you both. Seriously. You're both incredible people, and I'm so proud of how you're handling this.
You ARE strong. You've always been strong. Don't feel that you haven't been handling this well. You're both suffering, and you both should be able to reach out for comfort. The problem is, you both feel like the other person's pain is your fault. Wes is guilty because its he fault he landed here. You're guilty because you can't hide your feelings and be the strong wife. Maybe sometimes you say things that make him think you might leave him, and when you find out you gave him reason to think those thoughts, you feel terrible. Guess what? You both want the same thing! You both want each other to be happy. Your guilt makes you feel worse. Just know that you are both doing everything you can to keep your life together. When all is said and done, you will be together again. For better or for worse, remember? If you want to keep your emotions in check when speaking with Wes, then you need to find another outlet. A friend or coworker to cry with. You CANNOT be expected to hold all this in. As strong as you are, no one should have to do that.
We love you both so much. This situation is shitty. But it won't last forever. Take it a day at a time. You'll make it. If you need help, your children and other family and friends are behind you. Don't forget that. Even though your eyes are forward looking toward Wes and you feel completely isolated, if you stumble, we're always behind you to catch you.
I love you, and I can't say that enough.
Sarah