I don't feel like doing anything, but I promised myself I would blog at least every other day. I am depressed. It was bound to happen. I have been busy, taking care of all the things in life, bills, house, kid, dogs, tenant in a rent house, going to be moving Oct. 1. I opted to have a motorcycle ride, relax, get to a place on lake Conroe, have a beer, watch the sun go down. My sister in law is out there often, figured I would hook up with her. I texted her and she came right over. Hubby called and was very upset that I had rode alone and went to a strange bar alone. I tried to explain, I was stressed, just chilling, watching the sun go down. He initially told me not to come see him the next day, later apologized. He then decided he would only call three days a week because I stated that I didn't want to feel guilty if I decided to go to the movies. He is cool emotionally, stating he won't call so much. And he wouldn't get anything except what he absolutely needed so I wouldn't be stressed about the money he got. He feels humiliated when others are around when he calls, so he just won't call. I get the shame, I am going to try to tell him to just give me extra time, I can plan it so he know where I am and call later. I told him I was bending over backwards trying to keep everything up, that was why he stated he wouldn't call so much or spend anything on commissary. All I could feel was like I let him down. I was trying to be honest and reasonable that I did occasionally want to do something, but felt guilty, horribly shitty if I didn't answer when he called. It even stresses me when he calls and I am on my motorcycle coming home. I worry that when I don't answer he will think I am rejecting him. Instead, by being honest and just tell him I was having a break, he felt betrayed. He didn't say it, but the way he is pulling back. It is how he acts when he is hurt. He turns into himself. He isn't rude, just cool.
Today at visitation, he tried to change the subject, talk small talk. When I finally got him to open up, he said he was not angry, never was. I corrected him, reminding him of what he said at first. He stated he apologized for that. He said in writing a letter to me afterwards, I did the same thing, he was trying to explain how he felt. That he was so ashamed, and angry at himself for not being with me. I feel like it is all my fault. He didn't feel any of that the day before. Now I feel I have let him down. My heart aches, and I tried to tell him, remind him, that I love him, that he is a wonderful man, not a worthless POS, that he states he is. I can't get through to him, because what I did beat on his self esteem. I cannot shake the sadness I feel. I don't want to go to work, I was going to call in, but I know I will just sit and be depressed and not do anything. At least at work I will have a distraction and knock out one of the four days of work this week. I have nothing to add, just writing my thoughts...going to go to bed. At least I wrote. Hopefully I will be in better place tomorrow. Probably depends on him, sad to say, his sadness is mine. I love him so much, feel so crappy.
No comments:
Post a Comment