The day before court I was unable to sleep. I was exhausted from work, but my mind would not shut off. I wasn't playing the possibilities over in my head of what may happen, which is what I thought I would do, no, it was every other stupid thing to worry about. My husband passingly mentioning that someone had committed suicide there after getting 18 years from the same judge he was about to see. He said he totally understood what would bring a man to do that. He had thought about it, looking at what was around him to cut his wrists. He had mentioned this before when he was arrested. His shame, his not wanting to be a burden or embarrassment to me, made him feel that was an option. He later told me that he was not going to do it, but needed to share everything with me, even that fleeting thought of taking his life. I have learned that I need to let him talk, let him work through his pain, shame, and not tell hi it is wrong to feel it, but let him know I love him and I am here for him. I have to remind him everyday, every letter. He is I scared to death I will leave him. I have touched on that before, it really is a valid fear, however, I am not just anybody, I am his wife, I am sold out in love with him.
I have told him once, that being in love with him was sort of like being a Christian. I have always felt that Wesley saved me. I had a break down 5 years ago. The reason is complicated, those stories always are. I came out of it asking, who am I? I had gotten married at 18, been married for 25 years, had and raised 6 kids, 2 were still at home, but 1 was senior , 1 in junior high. I had spent my whole life living as a good wife, mom, Christian, all good, but I felt I had lost myself in there. I went to lots of counseling, praying, church, I tried to work things out with the ex-husband, but it was time to move on. Wesley started as a love affair, but from the very beginning he had a passion and pain in his eyes that captivated me. He was not interested in sharing the pain, but he was smart, funny, handsome, and fun. Once I moved out and was ready to start a new life, Wesley and I started dating something changed. I found out as I learned more about myself that my husband and I had more and more in common. I learned to trust him to protect me, even from myself, which required, as you should have in a relationship, total honesty. He learned that I really as sweet as I seemed. That I genuinely care for him. I would never hurt him, not on purpose, and that he could also trust me with his hurt and pain from the past. The results were a love that was honest, true, deep, and a shared story of childhood pain. Together we learned about our own baggage, and how to break the bonds we had.
I was feeling anger. I was angry that I was going through this alone. I was angry that I didn't have him next to me, that I was worried about paying the bills, was I going to have enough. Switching to days paid less. I had not really felt anger before, I guess with the court date, I was finally feeling all the feelings of our situation.
Okay, so back to court day. I finally got to sleep about 2 am. 4 am. I wake up, unable to go to sleep. My son woke up around 5 to do homework. I got up and made him breakfast, cleaned the kitchen. I stayed very busy, waiting for the call about how court went. I started working in the yard, everything I could do to stay busy. Wesley calls, says he was taken to a room for video court, and after awhile, he told them he was in the wrong place. They realized they had made a mistake, but court was over. He asked if I had heard from his attorney, the fabulous Brad Frye. I had not, I sent a text while on the phone. About that time Wesley is called for by a guard that his attorney was there. I hung up and waited for a call back.
Wesley called back, had good news. His attorney said that by the time he got there, everything was already done, set into motion. The court was saddened to hear of Wesley's relapse but wanted him to get the help he needed. He would be sent to the relapse program of SAFP, and would spend 1 month in the halfway house when he was done. They would be willing to talk to Harris County to get them on board. The judge was merciful and caring. He was even willing to talk to Harris County folks, that said so much about the trust built up. We were both floored by the generosity. I cried with relief. We had hoped this would happen so that when we, Wesley, I mean, goes to court in Harris County they would see that Montgomery County did not send him to prison, revoking his probation. That they know he was a good probationer, a good person and was worth the risk to give another chance. That is what we hope will happen next. So, once papers are signed that Wesley agrees, he is off to take care of business in Harris County.
I was an emotional wreck the rest of the day. I kept crying at the least thing. The hard part of the other court is still ahead. Either could go bad. We took a gamble and went to Montgomery county first hoping they would be fair because of who he was, and having worked in the program toward being healthy. It paid off. But we have no idea if the judge in Harris County will look at what was done and why. Wesley's attorney will have a tough job ahead of him. But he is good, and Wesley is worthy of a second chance. He is not the person he was in the past. I will let him tell that story.
So, for now, we wait, again. In the meantime, we continue with our $11, 15 minute phone calls and 2 visits a week. Oh, and I write every day.
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