Locked Apart: A letter from Wesley

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A letter from Wesley

Dear Lesa, 8-15-14

We spoke earlier, and I told you how I am currently without words. With that in mind, I begin this letter describing my affliction with the sole intent of putting words on paper.

It is always that first word, that first word that breaks the dam. Yet, here I continue writing about not having anything to say.

I could say that I love you, and that is without a doubt true. I love you, I adore you, I an't imagine my life with you, yet I can't help but feel that I may have held you for the last time.

On the tail end of our trip, you were expressing some frustration with me and on more than one occasion told me you "couldn't live this way." You told me that was just frustration with some of the events unfolding but I couldn't help but see it a different way: that I'm a loser, you should be with someone better, and you will have ample opportunity to meet a doctor, a nurse, a cop, a __________, just not me, who would be a better life for you.

Not that this is what you meant, but when those words come out of your mouth when I am about to go away indefinitely, that is how a felt--feel.

So I have felt myself contracting, shrinking. I feel my feelings drying up, wagons circling, walls building, and my "self" disappearing. I am quiet in here, withdrawn, and cold. I don't imagine I could be lower.

But I have written and I have told you why I feel dead inside. I am dead because no matter how much I love you I feel like I will never touch you, kiss you, or hold you again.

And it is my own doing.

I have put myself into a cage and you, needlessly, with me. You are sweet and funny, full of life and beautiful. Many good years left for you to enjoy with your wonderful kids. That doesn't necessarily mean me.

Make no mistake, I desperately love you and don't know what I would do without you. I would be done, for sure. I dunno. Those words keep streaming through my head. I'm screwed up and I don't want to drag you down with my self destructive brain.

I love you, and my heart is heavy, and I'm afraid. I guess that sentence explains as much as the preceding pages, maybe more.

Love always, Wesley

Lesa, 8/16/2014

And then there is today. I'm sitting here in bed reading, which I have been doing since I got in here. Reading in hopes of falling asleep. Sometimes works, sometimes it does not.

Once again I'm at a loss for anything other than spewing depression. Nice.

I will try some more later. I got nothing right now.

Lesa, 8/17/2014

You have come and gone. It was very nice seeing you--especially wearing your pig tails and pink shirt. I'm sorry if I was bad company.

I'm really trying to be upbeat. Or medium beat or any beat. It's eluding me.

I will do better in the future.

I love you,

Love always,

Wesley

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Helpful hints about MONTGOMERY COUNTY JAIL

NEW UPDATED INFO ON HOW TO LOWER YOUR COST FOR CALLS THROUGH GLOBAL TEL LINK! READ IMPORTANT UPDATE TO FCC LAW ON "BEATING GLOBAL TEL LINK" BLOG
PHONE CALLS: are expensive. 3 options. When they call, you can choose to get a 15 minute call, directly charged to your cell phone provider. it is $10.47, includes taxes and fees. You do not get money back if call is cut short by your or inmate. You are only allowed 9-10 of these per month, $100 max. You can get around this by calling another phone, including on the same cell service. 2. Prepaid. Global Tel Link charges $3.85 for the first minute and $.35 each minute after. You can have up to a 30 minute call, there is also taxes and fees, another 2-3 dollars. When you charge your credit card they add a $6.95 service fee, no matter how much you put on the account. 3) You can pay with a credit card, when they call, $14.99, plus taxes and fees, about another $2, they will save your credit card info. if you okay it and it is easier to accept call next time. 4) Inmate can buy phone cards, $10, and is charged at the $3.85 first minute, $.35 minute after, + taxes and fees. If there is money left on it, you can't use it, so it ends up being wasted. Supposedly you can call and get it refunded, or put onto another card, but how, they have to mail it to you?
You can keep your white underwear you come in with, this means boxers/panties, t-shirts, and socks. You have to wash them by hand, but at least you don't have to wait, or buy them from commissary. Wesley went in wearing three pairs of each, yeah, it is what you are wearing!
Men are housed on the right of main building, there is A,B,C and pods. You can go to main building and find out where they are or look at roster online, or ask inmate, if they call. Women are around on left, I assume they are similarly housed.
Do not come to visitation wearing tanks, shorts or see through, or low cut shirts. You will be turned away. See details in the link above.
No medications are given unless inmate has current prescription.
Visitation is Sat/Sun, with a make-up day on Monday. Hours depend on the first letter of last name. See link.
Mail, see link, it has the address. You must know inmates PIN, and cell location. You can also get that by looking them up on the roster. They may receive books from book company, like Amazon. Also, the newspaper, if it is mailed.
Commissary is twice a week and expensive. You will at least need basic toiletries, nothing is free. There is 3 ways for family/friends to put money on account for inmate. 1.) Kiosk in main building. Service fee is $3, no matter how much you put on. This is the cheapest way. You can charge to a credit card at the same kiosk, but service fee is sliding scale, depending on how much you put on. 2.) Telephone service to put money on, same service fees as the credit card. 3.) Online. You must know inmate PIN number. You can get this by going onto Montgomery County Jail roster, look them up by their name, their ID number is there. You can also call the office, and they will tell you.
It is cold. If you know you are going in, dress warm, til you get your prison stripes, also wear undershirts.