Today seemed to be a hard day. My son called me this morning and asked me to come over with the kids, they are all in town, 2 live in Houston area, 1 still at home, 1 in Austin and 2 in San Antonio. All were at my daughter's home in Houston. I went over. At one point I sat by my son, laid my head on him and I wanted to cry. I had told them the update on Wes, court date on Wednesday, etc. I found myself embarrassed for myself, embarrassed for him, I wanted to explain to them that this is not who he is. This man is amazing and I love him. My girls have been able to get to know him more, they are in town. The youngest is still at home and they have a great relationship. The older three boys only know the basics of what happened and his history of a DWI. I was saddened that he was not there to share in the kids, sad that I could not explain to them the complexity of a loved one who has screwed up, but is not a screw up. My children are not judgmental, and have been very accepting of a new step dad. Perhaps it was just my uneasiness of the coming court date.
Visiting with Wesley I found myself teary again. He asked me why I wouldn't look him in the eye. I did, of course, but I was trying not to cry. I didn't want to cry around him. I don't want him to know I was sad. I don't want to hurt him or worry him. He is already so afraid that I am going to get tired of this ordeal and divorce him. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is a wonderful mate. He is my best friend. I am not mad at him. I guess I have not really processed the reality of how long he may be gone and that is starting to hit with the coming court date. I am sure this court date will provide no answers. I feel strongly that if they wanted to revoke his probation, it would already be in the process.
9/1/2014
I find myself unable to sleep, crying quietly in my bed, the dogs asleep next to me. My relationship with Wesley has consumed me. I realize that I have neglected friendships. I adore my husband and would rather be with him than anyone. Normally his schedule is completely around mine. Rarely does his work need him beyond what I am working. So we spend all our time together. Now, his absence is leaving a gaping hole in my life. I am feeling the loss, and fearing the time I will be alone 'til he comes home. Wesley today expressed, again, his fear that I will tire and leave him, leave this ordeal. His fear is real because statistically, 80% of men and 100% of women are divorced when incarceration is a year or more. I had no idea. Staggering.
"Judee Reeves wrote in 1994, "Families of inmates have been called the "hidden victims of crime" (Carlson & Cervera, 1992, p.5). When a crime is committed, there are victims other than the primary victim(s). These secondary victims in."clude the families of the primary victim and another often overlooked group of victims -- family members of the person who has committed the crime. The families of inmates are often overlooked in research and in designing social programs, yet many suffer devastating consequences as a result of a loved one's incarceration."
Prison Marriage
Can a Marriage Survive a Prison Sentence?
My husband has nothing to worry about , I am madly in love with him. I have never met another like him. He fits me so well. Smart, sexy, handsome, funny, silly, loves outdoors, loves to ride motorcycles, and adventurous, in many ways. He is also an atheist, I am a moderate Christian. We do not see eye to eye, but we listen, respect our differences, and love that we are passionate about our beliefs. I hurt for him, so passionate for justice, now to be taken away from practicing what he is so gifted at. I would be devastated if I could not practice nursing. It is as much of my identity as anything. I love people, I feel their pain, physical and emotional. I try to change the world in just a small piece of one person's life. People are important, all people, from all walks of life. My husband feels the same when it comes to justice. Our hearts so similar, with a different focus. It is amazing at times how similar we are. We both carry desperately wounded hearts from our childhood. It has formed some bad habits in our adults lives that we are still having to overcome. But are we not always striving to overcome some baggage of our past? Some childhoods are less damaged and painful then others, but the weaknesses are still there. I am sure my own children will have issues, no parents are perfect, we do the best that we can, but we make mistakes.
My third anniversary will be this week. I married my husband while he was incarcerated in Montgomery county jail. It seems fitting, of sorts, that it comes back here. So what does it mean? What is different? What is the same? hmmmm. I love my husband even more now then when I married him. I have heard him cry, like a little boy. Scared, of losing me more than anything. He has opened up about his past abuse, and I am understanding more of his behaviors, or his poor coping skills. He has grown and learned so much in the past few years. He has healed family relationships, and severed one. I know him completely, and he knows me. We understand each other, and have helped one another make peace with our past, and set up our future. Wesley has had a set back, but it does not need to define him. I see now, where we failed. He needs me, he admits freely now. Not something he has always been able to do. Working nights was very hard for him, and put him in a vulnerable place. We won't do that again. He has always been so protective and careful with me and my own weaknesses and places that were painful. I missed a big one of his, but only because I didn't understand or know. He can not be alone at night. It is complicated and simple.
When you go through rehab you learn what your poor coping skills are, and what your weaknesses are in order to A. better prepare for probable problems and B. have set up specific things to do when problems come. I didn't understand Wesley's problem with being alone, especially at night. Poor coping skills eventually snuck their way back in, and we are where we are.
Must try to sleep, have to be up for work at 6am. Hope, somehow, this helps someone out there, but even it if isn't, it is good therapy for me.
Night.
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