I have had a long week. Work was more stressful than usual, the hospital was having evaluation/inspection by Joint Commissions. All the managers were stressed. Everything for the last few weeks being combed, cleaned, and inspected to ready the hospital for their arrival. The staff being prepped for possible questions, inspections...some of it nursing 101, was a bit ridiculous, and it was finally over. I had finished my work week and the thought of going to home alone, again, was not inviting. A friend at work had invited me to call her to go for dinner or a movie if I was wanting company. I texted with her and we decided to meet for dinner half-way. She was bringing her teen daughter for her DD, so she could have a couple of drinks.
I run home to change, hubby called, our usual time. I let him know where I was going as I was getting in my car. I had about a 15 or 20 minute drive, I thought we would talk for while I drove. He could make calls late tonight, it was Saturday, until 1:30 am. As I am driving he asked me if I was going on a date. My heart sank, my stomach curled. I asked him how could he ask me that question. He told me to just answer the question. I told him no, I was not going on a date, I was going to have dinner with my friend from work. He said that I had never mentioned this friend, til a few days ago, and now we were best friends going out. I told him first, that she was not my best friend, that Lori was my best friend, and second, I had mentioned her many times, but a few days ago was the first time I had gone into details about our conversation. In truth, it was the first time, standing outside, after we had worked together, we sat and talked for awhile. We have spoken and texted together many times at work. I told Wesley he can't ask me that question. He asked me if that was true, that he wasn't allowed to ask that question. The next few minutes was a bantering back and forth, not pleasant, which led to me crying and him saying he will let me go. I told him no. I took a breath. I told him that of course, if he needed to ask those questions to not go crazy, then ask, but if he asked them, I was going to have an emotional reaction too. I told him to not blow it out of proportion. Of course he is going to have moments of crazy thoughts that I am going to leave him because he is not here, but I am also going to get my feeling hurt when he asks, because, frankly, I don't do anything. I don't ever want him to have a reason to have crazy concerns or thoughts. Sometimes it just has to do with depression and not wanting to do anything without him. But, sometimes it has to do with not wanting to deal with the drama that might come if I do. Anyway, the subject was changed, we both dropped it and I went to dinner with my friend. We had a good time, laughed, and told a few stories.
After I left, I couldn't help but think, that was okay fun. I was used to hanging with my hubby, our friends, our family, and it wasn't the same, not even close. But, me sitting at home, on my weekend or days off, alone often, was silly. I have lots of friends, and family in town, to get away with. Wesley would be totally fine with me being with family. He still worries about me being with friends, he knows that I have to explain why I am alone. He is embarrassed for me, for himself, either way, the tension is usually in the call. When I am with family, he will cut the call short, excuse himself to "let me visit", even though that means I may not talk to him much that day. This is especially true when I am on overnight stays with the kids. He is withdrawn, too humiliated to have me talk to, in his words, my "jail bird husband". It brings back some old hurt memories....long ago, when we first started talking after a break from the relationship....a very long and different story. Now, I try to be mindful of his feelings, protective of our relationship, and patient when he acts jealous or paranoid, which he never does. The expense is that sometimes, I am alone more than I want. The gap of his being gone is like being in a "silent room". My son, works at a place that has a truly "silent room". It is eerie. The sounds of life that we take for granted, is filtered out. That is what is like when he is gone. Going through the actions of cleaning, working, paying bills, buying groceries. I function because I have to, my son Isaac, 16, needs his mom, my dogs need to be fed, loved, taken care of, but at times, it is just busy work. I feel like color is absent from my life.
My life consists of trying to get caught up on bills, keeping up with house, cooking, and groceries. The writing letters and blogs take up a chunk of free time, and then the TV to help shut down the brain. I am working on a plan to replace some of that with exercise and yoga. I am also working to get my diet better. All of these plans, to keep my mind and body as healthy as I can, while part of my heart is being held captive. I must protect the rest of me 'til he returns, and our life can become complete again. Until then, I have my own version of wake, eat, sleep, read. But I know this isn't forever, not even close. All told, it will probably be around a year. Probably a little more. Some people have it worse. Although, until we have a final word on a deal, I protect my heart and feelings, keeping all of this locked inside, 'til the day we are reunited and can unlock all of the emotions we have had to keep inside to protect our lives. I love Wesley, with all my heart, and he is worth the wait, but the journey can be rough. Thanks for helping me through it. Hope my sharing my walk helps you through yours.
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